Once again, we are empy nesters. Boy hasn't live at home for ages and Girl is working out of town again this summer. Our Student from the East is also out of town at the moment. We are alone, just the two of us.
It's quiet and we are both out of sorts. We were invited to a 4th of July BBQ, the same one we've been attending off and on for years with friends we seldom see. We decided it was better to go than to sit at home mourning the empty.
What a huge mistake.
We should have stayed home.
Our host's are the most amazing and wonderful couple, so I mean no disrespect to them. It's just that...apparently we don't fit in any more. The conversation was awkward at best, but I really think it was the silence that cut me to the quick.
Beloved and I sat alone a great deal of the time. After an hour I told him I was ready to leave. He said we should mix a little bit more.
So we did.
Finally, half an hour later, I told him I was done and that I was leaving.
I was so thankful for my dark sunglasses and what they hid.
As we walked out the front door, passing a group of girls we've know most of their lives, one of them said in a sarcastic, snotty voice, "Nice to talk to you..."
I retorted with a loud, "What a nasty thing to say." Especially considering she hadn't said, "Boo," to either of us all afternoon.
My feelings are hurt. I know of no other way to say it. Granted, they were tender to begin with because I'm missin' my kiddos.
What I don't understand is how this happened. Yes, we've had some trouble these last few years feeling welcome in this old circle of friends. I know some of the reason stems from our not attending the same church or social circles or being in the same stage of life (empty nest).
I'm an outgoing person, friendly, compassionate, and occasionally funny. For Pete's sake I get paid to be FRIENDLY! And yet, this afternoon was such a dismal, hurting failure that I'm not sure of myself any more. We must be too weird, too something, too unlikable?
All I know is that my heart is sick with missing my kids and now I feel like I've been run over by a bus.
Don't get me wrong, the kids have grown. They are doing what they are supposed to do. I accept it as a part of life's plan. I suppose I just didn't expect to feel like I was in high school again - on the outside looking in.
I hate this crap and the clickly little circles people make.