Hard to believe isn't it? Week four and still holding steady to my sacrifice.
Last week I left my job of nearly three years. It wasn't an easy decision, as I mentioned in a recent post, but I thought it was the right decision.
Easy = Right?
My Bible study during this season of Lent has been about Faith. Having it, grasping it, longing for more of it. And things were floating right along. That is until I came to understand a few things about the new job.
It ain't no picnic sistah!
Not that it's bad, not at all. It's just I learned new information (stuff I thought I read and understood) and it freaked me out. Then I worried about hours.I wondered about leadership. I fretted over connecting to this new environment.
And I questioned what I thought I heard God say. I don't know about you, but sometimes I'm not sure I actually hear anything. Sometimes I think it's just my desire and not His will. Know what I mean?
I have faith that He is who He says He is. I believe all of His promises and can testify to the change in my life since I began following Jesus. And yet I am sitting right here worrying about paying bills.
Trivial, I know.
Today, during my Bible reading, He gave me a good swift kick in the pants with this verse:
"Nevertheless, when the Son of Man comes, will He really find faith on the earth?"
Jesus said this in Luke 18:8b
And I shuddered thinking about how faithless I am. Let's face it, you either have faith or you don't. It's simple. If you really believe, than you have faith. If you stop believing, I don't think you really ever had faith.
(But we won't get all Calvinist and Armenianist today)
Then I worried and pondered my tiny faith. One would think after all these years that I would be a GIANT of faith. Oh, sure, I can stretch myself nice and tall and make the world think I'm a giant, but the truth is...I am an ant.
A slug.
The greatest of all sinners.
For a mere second I began to lose hope that my faith could or would be anything other than the filthy offering it is.
Then Jesus said this:
"The things which are impossible with men are possible with God." Luke 18:27
And then I realized that once again I am trying to make this whole Christianity thing about me. Well, it's not about me...it's about Him. It's about His sacrifice, His strength, and His will.
He called me. He saved me. He expects faith and passion and commitment. In return, He gives me the faith to believe.
And it's all I can do.
So I wrote out my tithe check and paid the bills. I went to the grocery store. I didn't cancel my hair appointment. I will have faith that Jesus will see to our needs (not necessarily my wants). I will have faith that He can oversee this whole big world without my help. I'll believe that He will prosper the business I'm in.
It's the best I can do.
2 comments:
i was once reminded that i am the daughter of the king of all kings and as such am entitled to all that king has to bestow upon his children, as you would to yours. that's what i keep in mind as i walk thru lent, because sista, we all struggle with faith, with our failings, with the profound sinners that we are.
so you know, your lenten entries give me strength. go annie.
Thanks Patti. It's been an interesting journey and I think it will be enlightening to go back through my personal journal and recount my thoughts and feelings of my first Lent.
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