Be True

I’ve been MIA this blogging week. Not sure why, really. I’ve been here and there and everywhere but I haven’t really felt like writing. The two things that took place this week were kinda sad, a little depressing, but both good in their own way.

My girl took her final CAT (California Achievement Test). She’ll never have to take one again. Next year it will be the PSAT, then the SAT, possibly the ACT. We’re thinking of having her CLEP for some college credits to save her some time and money. I asked her if she wanted to attend our local community college but she’s not interested. I believe her quote was, “John says there are weird people there.” He probably did say just that. He’s a bit (a lot) over protective of her, more so now than he was when he lived at home. Funny that.

The fact that she’s completed her state required testing made me feel odd. I watched as the other, younger mommy’s kept their little ones busy while the older siblings tested. I recalled doing that same thing, many years ago. I remembered sitting and visiting with my friends while the kids filled in little ovals with number two pencils. This time was different; I paid for the test, reminded her to do the easy math first and not to leave any spots blank, and then left.

It’s the path of the older mom and while I’m glad not to be chasing babies at this point in my life, I was a trifle envious of those younger mommies. They know what they’ll be doing tomorrow, next week, next month and next year. While for me, I’m still trying to find myself and figure out who and what I want to be when I grow up.

Can I have Catherine Zeta-Jones body?

Joshilyn Jackson’s job?

Mother Theresa’s compassion?

Billy Graham’s outspoken faith?

Wow! Wouldn’t that be a super woman! She’d probably be vain as all get out and impossible to be around. She’d be too perfect, too everything. Maybe I should just work with what I’ve got and see where it takes me…

And speaking of working with what I’ve got:

I grew a spine on Tuesday. I know. I was shocked too.

My dad called. I’ve been waiting for it, the other shoe to fall that is. I didn’t yell and I didn’t get angry. I held my ground and told him things he didn’t know. Poor daddy, all these years and so oblivious. Not that he is innocent of helping to create the monster my mother has become, but I really do think he was so busy with his own “stuff” that he didn’t realize what was happening.

When all was said and done I told him that I wouldn’t, couldn’t do what he asked. I told him I was sorry. I promised him that I loved him. I heard the sadness in his voice, it sounded surprisingly similar to my own, and the conversation ended.

Spine, straight and strong.

Heart, sad but true.

To thine own self be true…

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