I’ve been bitterly disappointed a few times in my life. Much the same as you have, I imagine. It’s a ghastly feeling; the knot in your stomach, those painful facts leaping around your brain, the powerlessness of it all. I hate that feeling, I really do.
Because I hate to be disappointed, I try really hard not to disappoint others. “Why, this is a good thing, you’re thinking,” but it’s not. Not really. The problem is, because I don’t want to disappoint I go over board. I take on too much, then, of course, I complain about it. I worry and fret about what someone might think if I don’t do what’s right. Trust me, it makes my Beloved nuts (and probably my kids, my friends, God too).
Since I turned 40 this year, I’ve noticed a subtle change. It’s easier to say no. For some reason, I can now say, “enough is enough.” FIL bugging me with some mundane chore that he could do himself? Oops, he’s outta luck. Mother feigning mental illness to get a rise out of me? Sorry, no time for that just now. Need a babysitter, I’ll think about it, maybe.
The problem is I’m not sure this is a good thing. Am I losing who I am? Do I like who I’m becoming? Is it selfish? Mean-spirited? Or have a finally grown a spine?
Gahh!
So what brought on this little soul search that I’m doing? Well, I’ll tell ya.
I got up with heady anticipation. It was Wee Girl Day which translates: FUN! FUN! FUN! I was to pick up those wee blondie tyrants at 10. The drive is just over 40-minutes from my house, but that’s okay. It’s so worth it to see my foster daughters. The plans I had! The things we were going to do! I admit, I was probably going to go over board on the fun, but for eleven months I was the bad guy, the heavy, the MOM. Today, I would be Fun Auntie Ann.
Except…
We pulled up to the dilapidated apartment complex. I’d tried to reach Bio-Mom on her cell a couple of times this morning, but she didn’t answer. She doesn’t have voice mail, so the only thing I could do was drive over as we’d planned.
She wasn’t there.
The woman (who the heck was she? ) told me that Bio-Mom had gone to the coast.
Huh?
She took the kids and went to the coast and didn’t bother to let me know. Now, I realize that this is really not a big deal (except for the gas!). We’ll probably see them another time. But you know, you know I just don’t understand.
The woman calls practically begging me to take the girls so she can have a break and I was thrilled to help her out. I know what those two little munchkins can do to a person and I was happy, really happy to be asked. The only thing she had to do was to have them dressed when I got there. Well, that and actually BE THERE.
So…My day is wide open. Anyone want to grab a cup of tea (no coffee, grumble, grumble, grumble) and listen to me whine about how I didn’t get to see my girls today?
What an idiot I am. Sigh.
6 comments:
Oh no! This would steam anybody (it is steaming me just reading about it).
I remember reaching that point where enough was enough. The point where I realized I wasn't serving others so much as I was letting others hurt me. I have since learned how to say no and still be able to say yes. And it is a good thing.
I hope you get to see your girlies soon.
I was so excited to see them:( I am sorry you were disappointed.
Hugs
Teri
you. are. not. an. idiot.
but if you are, i wish there to be more throughout the land.
I am so, so, so sorry!!
Do let me know if you figure out what happened...
Heidi
I am so sorry about the girls. It would'be been a great visit for you and them.
You are not an idiot! If you are then every person whose expectations have been shattered is one and I refuse to believe that!
Unfortunately, when you deal with someone as "ditzy" as Biomom, you're going to get zapped every now and then. Getting zapped occasionally is worth having time with the wee girls!
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