I’ve been bitterly disappointed a few times in my life. Much the same as you have, I imagine. It’s a ghastly feeling; the knot in your stomach, those painful facts leaping around your brain, the powerlessness of it all. I hate that feeling, I really do.
Because I hate to be disappointed, I try really hard not to disappoint others. “Why, this is a good thing, you’re thinking,” but it’s not. Not really. The problem is, because I don’t want to disappoint I go over board. I take on too much, then, of course, I complain about it. I worry and fret about what someone might think if I don’t do what’s right. Trust me, it makes my Beloved nuts (and probably my kids, my friends, God too).
Since I turned 40 this year, I’ve noticed a subtle change. It’s easier to say no. For some reason, I can now say, “enough is enough.” FIL bugging me with some mundane chore that he could do himself? Oops, he’s outta luck. Mother feigning mental illness to get a rise out of me? Sorry, no time for that just now. Need a babysitter, I’ll think about it, maybe.
The problem is I’m not sure this is a good thing. Am I losing who I am? Do I like who I’m becoming? Is it selfish? Mean-spirited? Or have a finally grown a spine?
So what brought on this little soul search that I’m doing? Well, I’ll tell ya.
I got up with heady anticipation. It was Wee Girl Day which translates: FUN! FUN! FUN! I was to pick up those wee blondie tyrants at 10. The drive is just over 40-minutes from my house, but that’s okay. It’s so worth it to see my foster daughters. The plans I had! The things we were going to do! I admit, I was probably going to go over board on the fun, but for eleven months I was the bad guy, the heavy, the MOM. Today, I would be Fun Auntie Ann.
We pulled up to the dilapidated apartment complex. I’d tried to reach Bio-Mom on her cell a couple of times this morning, but she didn’t answer. She doesn’t have voice mail, so the only thing I could do was drive over as we’d planned.
She wasn’t there.
The woman (who the heck was she? ) told me that Bio-Mom had gone to the coast.
She took the kids and went to the coast and didn’t bother to let me know. Now, I realize that this is really not a big deal (except for the gas!). We’ll probably see them another time. But you know, you know I just don’t understand.
The woman calls practically begging me to take the girls so she can have a break and I was thrilled to help her out. I know what those two little munchkins can do to a person and I was happy, really happy to be asked. The only thing she had to do was to have them dressed when I got there. Well, that and actually BE THERE.
So…My day is wide open. Anyone want to grab a cup of tea (no coffee, grumble, grumble, grumble) and listen to me whine about how I didn’t get to see my girls today?
What an idiot I am. Sigh.