Do Not Believe the Lies

"It's been a while. I want to tell you things are great, but they are not. I'm swallowed in a sea of endless despair. There is no hope or happy ending. We are forsaken and merely crawl through each bitter day.

Friendless, clueless, alone.

We have have lost every battle. It's only a matter of time before the swell of the invading army over take us.

There is no hope.

Don't tell me that all is not lost. You don't know what we've been through. Don't tell me you understand. You don't. Don't tell me God is on our side, that this will make is stronger. Lies.

I'm battle weary. I just want to lay down on the ground and cry until I am no more. Until my body melts into a million years and nothing is left but the dark, damp earth."

I wrote this a few months ago. It was raw and emotional and should not have been posted when it was. I posted it in the middle of the night, then realized the next day that other people would read it and probably be concerned.

They did and they were.

Sorry about that.

Living in a house with someone who hates you is hard. Living in a house where every word and deed is a manipulation, is harder.

To set the record straight, I think y'all should know that I have been accused of abuse. It's been bandied about that I have "hit" her. That I have "refused to give her the medication she needs" and that, "I'm mean to her".

Oh, and that she has attempted suicide twice.

I've had my conversation with DHS. I've had my conversation with her doctor, her therapist, her psychiatrist and with my own therapist. I've tried to make the love of my life understand my pain and sorrow.

So.Much.Talking.

A few more things you should know:

There is no open child abuse case - because DHS knows she lying.

She has NEVER attempted suicide in this house.

I give her the medication that keeps her from rolling into a ball and sobbing hysterically, every. single. day. I watch her take it. If she's at her former foster parents home, they give it to her and watch her. When she went to camp, the counselors gave it to her.

Am I mean to her? Probably. She lies to me on a daily basis. She ignores me. She argues. She tells lies to others and then they come to me about it. She manipulates. She sneaks.

I take her to her therapist, her riding lessons, her volunteer job, weekly. I take her to her doctor for well child check ups and to her psychiatrist. I take her to her orthodontist and her dentist. I meet with her teachers, her IEP specialist, her school Principle and Vice Principle.

I do her laundry. I buy junk food for her. I speak softly. I walk away.

People don't understand that what we are dealing with here is not a rebellious teenager. WE are dealing with mental illness. WE are well aware that she "appears" normal.

Sometimes I just want to scream and say, "EDUCATE YOURSELF BEFORE YOU PASS JUDGEMENT ON ME!"

Fetal Alcohol Syndrom
Reactive Attachment Disorder

Look them up

Am I feeling better than I was when I wrote the above despairing blog? No, well, sort of, but I'm learning how to manage my anxiety and my failure.

If you are reading this and wondering how the hell we got here, all I can say is we were lied to. The state lied, the attorney's lied, the girls lied.

And we believed it all.