Butcher, Baker, Candle Stick Maker

I watched my Girl get ready and leave for work today. She does yard work for the persnickety sweet old lady who lives up the hill from us. Mrs. Fastidious owned a plant nursery for many years and she knows a thing or two about plants. She is very happy to impart her wisdom to her young Padawan. Unfortunately, her young pupil is less than thrilled with her vocation. Girl wants a new job. Any job, as long as it doesn’t involve plants, weeding, dead-heading, or repotting.

Watching her sour face as she left the house reminded me of my past and the jobs I have held. I’ve been a receptionist, data entry operator, worked in tech support for a local hospital, a general typist, head of the legal department for a major retailer, a deli clerk, a writer (yes, I actually got paid), a customer service rep, a foster parent, and currently, a Circuit Coach at Curves. Some of these positions I held for a very short time, say one month (the deli and tech support). While others I held for years.

I’ve banked enough points that I’ll actually get social security. Which I’m sure my children will appreciate considering I’ll probably be living with one of them. Okay, it won’t be with Girl. She informed me, quiet briskly when she was four that, and I quote, “You ain’t livin’ wiff me!” unquote.

Sorry Girl. I know you hate it when I tell that story, but it’s funny!

Wouldn’t it be great if we could have our dream job? I mean, seriously, a job that you like and love? You know what I mean…$$$$$$

Random Jobs I Wouldn’t Mind Having:

A New York Times best selling author - You knew this would be first. I mean, if James Fry can get a book contract, get on Oprah, and publish a second book of dribble with NO punctuation or attention to grammar, why can’t I? I’d be hysterical at book signings. I’m a people person! And I could totally handle fame. Totally.

Except maybe the tabloids, because you know they’d find my mother. You also know she’d spill the beans about my childhood and the time I stole candy from the little grocery store down the street. She’d also tell them about the time I nearly killed the GC with a tap shoe. More than likely, my mother would sue me for all the mental abuse I’ve caused her over the years.

The tabloids would also find my sis-in-law who would be more than happy to sell them the pictures of a drunken Annie from years ago. Thank God I kept my clothes on! I really wish I could get those pictures back…And no, I didn’t inhale.

Pastry Chef - I would make an amazing pastry chef and I’m a hat girl. You know it’s true. I’d totally rock a toque. I would make the perfect moody chef. After all, I’m heading into pre-menopause and it doesn’t get much more fun than that. Imagine, if you will, the crowded five star restaurant when Nicolas Sarkozy (accompanied by his amazingly beautiful, young, wife), stroll in and demand a table. Of course they would be seated right away! They would insist on a special dessert and I would refuse simply because I do not like the color of his tie.

Not to mention, being a pastry chef would be alarmingly bad for my waistline. The summer of cake is already giving me a run for my money. I cannot imagine what would happen if I was surrounded by sweets day in and day out. They say (although I have no idea who they are) that you grow weary of goodies, but I’m not so sure.

A Librarian - I love me some books. I really do. But…it’s so quiet in the library and you have to work with all those children…

An Archeologist - Years ago, my mother wouldn’t let me attend the only college who offered me a drama scholarship because she had an astrology chart read for me and the witch lady (and I use the term very, very loosely) told her my future was not on stage. We argued and I confessed that I either wanted to be a writer, a lawyer, or an archeologist, she was stunned. An archeologist?

I have a passion for history and the thought of discovering some cool ancient city or people group has always intrigued me. Unfortunately, most of those types of digs take place in hot, dry, sandy, scary, locations. That, and I’d never get Beloved on a plane.

Ice Cream Taste Tester - you KNOW they exist! Why else would they have those tiny spoons?

Blogging - Okay, I know that there are a handful of bloggers who get PAID to blog, but who pays them? Seriously, some of these folks have hundreds of followers? A nice gig if you can get it.

Personal Assistant - I would only want this job if I worked for a friend. You know, someone who I like and I can tell them straight out if they are getting a little too big for their britches. I would make them coffee, pick up their dry cleaning, make their travel arrangements, and act as a body guard when their mother called.

“I’m so sorry Carol, but Mrs. Pulitzer Prize can’t see you just now. She’s having a massage. Can I take a message?”

I would make a great personal assistant. Just keep that in mind, those of you who may one day be rich and famous. I knew you when…and I have enough dirt on you to tattle to the National Enquirer. I’m just sayin’…

I’ve held jobs that I hated and ones I cried over when I left. There were times when I was home with the babies that I’d have given my left hand for a job, any job (but then I’d never have beaten Zelda!). So, when I note the sad doe eyes of girl, I cannot help but hope she, eventually, finds a vocation that she likes and loves.

She could be anything! Butcher, baker, candle stick maker? Well, maybe not the candle stick maker…

Madam President?

Wait! What’s the number for People Magazine?

Mr. Deville, I’m ready for my close up…