I know, it’s Wordless Wednesday and there are words on my blog. The problem is that I am a writer and I’m emotional. All of which means I have many words to use right now. That’s right baby, I got words, and I’m not afraid to use them. Not to mention, it will spare Beloved from a verbal assault the minute he walks in the door tonight.
At 9:17 this morning the case worker appeared and whisked the wee girls away. Z-Monster had been up since 6:30. She woke up screaming, something she hasn’t done in months. I know it was because of what today represented, but it didn’t make it easier.
Last night, after ice cream sundaes, surrounded by four loving, but helpless adults and one teenager, Z-Monster told me that she’s going to miss me. Though her teary voice barely whispered it, I heard her confess, “I wish I could live with you forever.”
For my part, I was able to keep pretty fast control on the water works. I saw no sense in both of us weeping over something we cannot stop. I just held her tiny little blonde person and told her how much I loved her.
Knowing what they are going back to is what grieves me so much. I’m not heartless, but I will not miss the mess, the noise, the fighting. I won’t miss the back talk, the middle of the night coughing fits, or the early morning wake up call. I will not pine for moments when I will yell at the top of my voice for whoever is doing whatever to stop doing it. Nor will I yearn for just one more potty accident. If this makes me cold hearted, well then, so be it.
It’s the knowledge of their situation that strikes bitter fear within my heart. Children are gifts. Gifts I say! They are a treasure straight from Heaven above and they are to be cherished. Children should be trained in what is right and good and carefully disciplined in what’s bad. Little ones need to know that mom and dad are there to protect them, no matter what. That home is a place where there is food, warmth, and love. Children have the right to grow up secure in the knowledge that no matter what else happens; their parent will always put their best interest first.
Filth, chaos, violence, neglect; that’s what these beautiful, blue-eyed babies have to look forward to. What a waste. What a terrible, terrible waste.
So, why are they going home you ask? Simply put, the DA doesn’t have enough evidence to remove them permanently. This is the second time these children have been removed and ours was their second foster home. The very first time, they landed at Auntie Teri’s house. They spent an entire summer tormenting Auntie and were returned to Bio-Mom in September. Then, in January of last year The Destroyer broke her arm, at 17 months, and was back, minus beastly brother, at Auntie Teri’s. The rest is pretty much history; Teri’s mom’s cancer and our applying to be foster parents happened in the blink of an eye.
I didn’t know. I simply didn’t know how much sorrow and rage could lurk behind blue eyes. How could I? So for eleven months I learned. I studied attachment issues; I waded through lies and learned that being a foster parent is not a job for the weak or weary. It was revealed that I’m not nearly the excellent parent I thought I was; I’m short tempered, crabby, and I yell (who knew?). Yet as the months passed something happened…those little tyrants wiggled and squirmed their way into my heart.
“I love you. Be good for your mom. Don’t fight with your brother, yeah, I know it’s hard. But I love you. If mom says its okay, you can call me, anytime. Remember, Jesus loves you best of all and He’ll always be there for you.”
And then the car backed down the hill and I waved…
The destroyer waved and smiled. She’s two and a half, in about two days she’s going to wonder where her mama is and I’ll be wondering if she’s eating, if she’s safe, is she getting her medicine. I can only pray and wonder.
Z-Monster sat in her car seat, not smiling, not waving. She just stared at me with sad blue eyes. No tears, no expression whatsoever. She just stared.
As long as I live I will never, ever forget that look