Sunday, March 02, 2008

Open Mouth, Insert Foot

Do you ever say funny (stupid) things when you’re nervous, worried, or just a dork? I do and it’s usually not because I’m nervous or worried. It’s usually because I am a dork. Sadly, it often happens in front of other people. Sigh. Sometimes being an idiot girl is a hard row to hoe.

Take, for example, my recent visit to a friend in the hospital. She’d just come out of surgery and was in recovery. She smiled at her DH. He smiled at her. She smiled at me. I smiled at her. She smiled at her mother. Mom smiled back. Then she noticed that something was sticking out of her nose. Her eyes crossed as she tried to focus on whatever was wedged in her nostril.

“What is that?” she asked.

Without missing a beat, and I’m not kidding, I said,

“It’s your nose tampon.”

Yep, I still can’t believe I said that. Sigh. In my defense, I think one of the staff may have said that first, but now I cannot remember. I just know that all eyes turned my way after those four words left my lips. Sigh.

If you fast forward in the day, you’d see me standing behind this woman’s mother, making faces, rolling my eyes, being overall juvenile. Lest you judge me too fiercely, it did make the patient smile in that secret sister kinda way.

It is one thing to be an idiot in front of people who know and love or at least tolerate you. It is a completely different color horse to be an idiot in public. Take today, for example. I was standing in line at the grocery store, just minding my own business when it hit me. It was a wave of recently smoked dope that enveloped me.

“Geez! Someone smells like pot,” I coughed.

Now at the right time and in the right place, that statement could have passed for (a) funny, because everyone in the room smells like pot, or (b) serious, as in which kid had a date with Mary Jane during lunch?

This, unfortunately, was not that time or that place. Just ask the seriously unfriendly young man standing in front of me. He didn’t think I was funny. Which I find ironic, because for as stoned as he must have been, he should have thought I was hysterical! We could have shared a bag of Oreos and laughed for hours over that little outburst.

He just threw daggers from his red, overly dilated eyes at me. I watched him as he left the store, Oreos in hand. Then I turned to the checker and said,

“You know. If you breathe really deep you could probably get high just from standing here.”

The checker gave me the once over, decided that I was indeed an idiot girl, and chose not to answer.

However, my favorite idiot girls comment:

“I think that’s French John.”

I assure you; everyone in the car sat in stunned silence…then burst out laughing. My son had seen a business sign on the side of the road which read, “Ala Cars” to which he made the quirky remark,

“Look, must be a Muslim car company.”

Everyone else got it…Everyone but me…

“I think that’s French John.”


If nothing else I am good for a laugh and I can laugh at myself. Trust me, we laughed for miles on that one!

Count down: Thirty-days


Expatmum said...

Oh tell them all to go to you know where. I would have laughed like mad along with you. You must be a fan of Laurie Notaro then? The original Idiot Girl?
PS. My husband kindly says of me, when I come out with stupid stuff, that there's no filter between my brain and my mouth. Pretty much sums it up.

Anonymous said...

You are so funny Ann!!! Look...I figured it out....Anonymous!!!!

Kiva said...

Me, too. I would have done the same thing... some get it, some don't. You never know who else heard it and it was their only laugh of the day. Just keep on what you're doing.

TJBrown said...

Nope, that will still never out funny my daughter saying, "wait, are they real cavemen?"

I thought you were hyesterical at the hospital:)

Barrie said...

Thank you for the chuckles today. They are much needed.:)