Wednesday, October 09, 2013

Grow a Spine

Recently, in fact just yesterday, someone told me that I needed to "grow a spine". She wrote this in regard to our relationship with KK and her bad, bad, bad behavior.


First, let me just say that no one has spoken to me in that manner since my mother ... and I haven't spoken to that woman in years.

Second, I have a spine. It's right where it should be.

And thirdly, let me also state very clearly, that trying to bully me into something never works. It just pisses me off.

Honestly, it's all really my fault. I told previous foster mom about KK's very selfish, manipulative behavior. She, of course, informed me that KK pulled the same nonsense at their home the previous year. Was I angry that KK was playin' me like a fiddle? Yes, yes indeed.

Previous Foster Mom, who will be referred to as PFM from now on, sent me an email telling me that I need to LOCK KK DOWN! I needed to show her that I mean business. She said that KK will never respect me. She said, and I quote, "You need to grow a spine".


I have a few issue, not only with the tone of PFM's email, but also with the content.

I do not, in my heart of heart, believe that LOCKING someone down and FORCING them to bend to your will brings true repentance or respect. When you back a wild animal into a corner, it's gonna come out fighting. Granted, this is not true of all people. For instance, our Girl, when she was just a wee blondie toddler, had a horrible temper. She flat out refused to stand in the corner in time out. I remember well my Beloved standing behind her, forcing her to stay in the corner until the timer announced she had completed her sentence. Girl screamed and pushed and attempted to force her little body around that of her father.

It didn't take long her Girl to learn that Mommy and Daddy will have their way and that she would not win these battles.

Now, KK is a scraper. She knows how to survive on the streets and she will use any means necessary to get her way. Locking her down will only bring out more of her survival instinct. Knowing this doesn't make me weak. It means I know enough not to stick my head in the lions mouth. You force an angry, hurting kid to "respect" you and what you get is false respect and someone stabbing you repeatedly with a knife in the middle of the night.

We'd all like to avoid that if possible.

Which brings me to another point that PFM made. She feels that KK is mentally ill. I think she's an anxious kid who has lived in the fight or flight mode her entire life. In other words, she is an adrenaline junkie. Her body doesn't know what to do when things are calm. This is one of the reasons we keep this kid busy!

If PFM really does believe that KK is mentally ill, does she truly believe that her solution of cruelty and hard work will suddenly make KK not a nutcase? I'm sure that eons of doctors would be thrilled to know that psychopaths, schizophrenics and others can be easily cured by simply speaking harshly to them and making them dig the fall potatoes from the garden.


And let's not forget her you need to grow a spine comment.

Actually, let us forget it completely.

Simply look at my adult children and then tell me what kind of parent I am.

This journey we are on is hard. I've been very transparent about it, but it's also so very, very good. God has shown us so much grace and mercy. What type of people would we be to withhold that same grace and mercy from those in need?

We are not doormats. We have drawn a line in the sand and we will not allow KK or anyone else to cross it without consequence.

If you must be a hater, please go somewhere else. I have enough on my plate right now and do not need your unsolicited advice.

Grow a spine....Indeed!

1 comment:

Penelope W said...

Have you read The Connected Child? It really puts things in perspective in how to deal with manipulative behavior. You do call the kid on it: "I'm not falling for your tricks. If you want something just tell me." A MUST-READ!!!