We've learned some things about Hay-Hay that have given me pause. We knew we would, I mean, a child who has suffered early childhood trauma is bound to have some issues.
After we heard of not one, but two events involving her and others, Beloved was quick to dismiss them as separate and meaningless actions. I wasn't so sure. Beloved is a good guy, he likes to see the good and assume that with the right Captain at the Helm, all will be well with the world.
I'm more suspicious than he is or cynical or just plain grouchy.
Anyway, the girls have been with us since last Friday. We've had time to really, truly observe them up close and personal. Let me just say, Hay-Hay is going to give me a run for my money.
That, and she had some sort of a stomach bug and I got to see first hand her attachment issues. She, in no way, reacted like a normal 10-yr-old. She did not cry. She did not want comfort. She completely withdrew from me and even Girl who she is closer to.
Yes, we will address the bonding with Girl and Hay-Hay soon. Girl is not her Mum and we cannot allow her to depend upon a person will be leaving our home at some point.
But, back to the issue at hand. Hay-Hay has issues. Many. Issues.
I am faced with the seriousness of it all and fearing that I will certainly come up lacking. I've tried to be honest with Beloved about my fears and concerns of my own weakness and selfishness. I even confessed to Girl that perhaps I am not the Mommy for the job. Girl looked me straight in the eye and said, "There is no one better suited for this job than you".
How can she say that?
It's New Year's Day. I spent most of last night awake with a sick child who kept me at arms length. I know the Foster Parents are growing weary. I know we may be asked to bring them into our home sooner than we had planned.
And, I know I'm not ready.